Q:I am a 24 year old married woman (I have been married to my husband for a year and a half). I recently realized I have been ignoring my feelings towards women aside for many years and now don’t know what to do about them. I feel as though I can never be complete with a man. I have an emptiness inside that I can no longer handle. I’ve never been with a woman but know that is what I am missing in my life. I have expressed these feelings to my husband and as expected, he didn’t take the news well. I have decided, for his sake, to push these feelings down again and continue to hide from them. I know what I am doing is wrong, I know I am living a lie but how can I leave my husband on a whim? What happens if I leave him, experiment with women and find I was wrong? Could it be that I am a true bisexual who strongly believes in monogamy but will never be satisfied with one partner?
Diva Says: Set aside the question of the gender of your desired ‘other’ and lets get black and white for a minute here.
What we’ve got here is you, dissatisfied in your marriage. At the core of this issue isn’t a question of your sexuality. It’s a question of your level of satisfaction and commitment inside this relationship with your husband.
If you were satisfied in your marriage, sure your head would turn now and then, a stray bathtime fantasy or two, even a light crush once in a while – but it wouldn’t get to the point where you actually felt like there was a hole in you somewhere aching for some paydirt.
What you need to do is put away the dream lover for a second and sit back and figure out what it is you’re missing inside this relationship. You made a commitment, and call me old skool, but I do believe that relationships at least deserve some quiet consideration in the midst of the chaos that is life, change, growth, curiosity, etc.. Ask yourself, and him, hard questions. What needs aren’t being filled? Can you fill them together? Are your needs so outside him that you really aren’t where you need to be? Are you just bored? Are there emotional needs not being met or is it purely sexual? If it’s sexual, can you spice it up? Do you want to?
If it turns out that this really is a question of your sexuality and you’re feeling like you can’t connect to a man, or even just this man specifically, in a way that is fulfilling enough for you, then you can ask some different questions. Is there any chance for exploration of a polyamorous dynamic between yourself and your husband? Are there ways to explore this together in a way that is comfortable for the both of you? Are you sure enough about your desires that it’s worth the risk of losing him?
We don’t always get everything we want, babydoll. But we should never settle for less than we are capable of. Only you know the depths of love you are capable of. And only you know how far short this is falling, and how much hope there might be for deepening. If you’ve hit a wall, bail now. If you can keep digging, give that a shot. Either way, remember to strive for wholeness. (Not hole-ness.)
HA! I kill me.