Q:A couple years ago I left an unhappy marrige. During the last couple of months I saw a woman, who I devloped feelings for. I never went past base one because – of that gut feeling – and things did not add up that she was saying. When the eve came to due the deed I was flighty my nerves were bouncing off the walls- Only to find when it came time too have sex basically there was no romance, only on display a dental dam plus long Qtips and some metal sticks by her bed. I thought- I am just a notche and did not stay. Weeks after that we met again and worked out things it looked like everything was going good- expt. she wanted me to leave hubby to be close with her. So I worked up the nerve to try for a new life. When I met with her she told me “Im sorry. I give so much and never get back- I just wanted someone to give everything up for me for once.” I was – numb – I forgive but can not forget- I am not attracted to men.. However I am scared to death of woman – Im am scared to have that heart break again -. During my divorce I came out to my parents and siblings and they are fine. My qustion is where should I start I do not want a one night stand, I want my first time to be romantic, and remberable with someone that wants more than just sex.. Please point me in the right direction- and key signs to watch out for . Thank you
Diva Says: Yowza. What an experience! You can climb up on my lap while we talk about this one. Someone needs a hug!
SO, first things first. You ask for signs to look for — well babycakes, you knew all along. We do that a lot, don’t we? Talk ourselves out of our instincts because we want the reverse so badly to be true? It’s a damn fool of a thing to do, but it’s human nature, and we all do it now and again.
So what we have here, sweet pea, is a case of sweet naiveté coupled with a basic lack of faith of self. That combo is going to get you hurt. So, to fix this, we get to make you stronger!
Get out your mental rolodex and crawl into a long hot bath. Light some candles, put on some music (no words – calm, instrumental) and spend an evening going through all of those “I should have known better” moments. I bet you a whole ten dollars that, more often than not, you actually did know better. Think back to the first interactions with the folks who ‘dun you wrong.’ Think back to that little voice in your head that said “Ooooh, girl. Watch out for this one.” Think back to those little red flags waving in the foreground. And then think back on those subtle ways you sabotaged yourself by justifying wrong actions on the behalf of others, or applying several interpretations of a word or a deed, so much so that you lost track of the truth.
We all have a basic survival instinct, and it kicks in emotionally as well as physically. Our subconscious recognizes danger before our conscious mind is able. Those “something’s not right” feelings are exactly that. A warning from your unconscious mind that this is not the safest place for you to be. I’m not saying never to question it. Sometimes we can learn a lot by going, eyes wide open, into a situation that isn’t exactly the safest. But the trick is to go in with awareness. Blinding yourself so you can make-believe the best-case scenario is only shooting yourself in the foot. Think. Listen. Feel. And then, with all that data together, Decide.
Assholes come in all shapes, sizes and genders. So do beautiful people. No entire gender will ever fit into any stereotype. One woman’s actions shouldn’t scare you off the whole sex. Neither should one man’s. Trust yourself to make wise decisions. Listen to your head, heart and instinct. You’ll be just fine if you do that.
There, there now. Off you go.