Q: I have been out of a relationship for a while, and quite comfortable being single. I am in the process of moving to Nevada. I have a friend here in Florida that is moving there as well. It turned out that she and I were going to be there at the same time on pre move visits. Susan invited me to a party there to meet some of her Nevada friends.
I went to the party, and I met this woman there (Carol) who blew me away. I have never felt this way upon meeting a woman for the first time, including lovers. It was like we locked on like radar to one another. We talked, and we had so much in common, it was awesome. We danced, and I gave her my card.
This was like Cinderella, she had to leave and go to the airport to fly to San Diego for the weekend. I had to leave to attend another function. I told my friend Susan I’d be back later. When I returned, Carol was gone. Susan told me that Carol was dating this friend of hers named Martha. Martha was at the party too, and did not even seem to acknowledge Carol’s presence at the party. I was shocked they were dating. there were no clues. She watched me talk to Carol, and dance with Carol, and said nothing. Martha even gave me a ride home from this party. She was kind to me.
I asked Martha how she had met Carol. She told me, but also said she had just begun seeing Carol, they were not seriously dating, and were clear that they were going to date other people. That was straight from the horses mouth. In fact, Martha invited me to her house the next day for a party, and to go to the bar with her the next night with Susan and all of the folks from the party. Things seemed really friendly.
The following night, I missed the party but caught up with the gang at the bar. They were all pretty toasted by the time they got there, so making polite conversation was difficult, but I tried anyway. Needless to say, Carol was not there. Later that night, after speaking with several women, and rebuffing a rather disgusting advance from a woman, I went back home, thinking all was well and that I had made some great friends in my new home. Before I flew back to Florida on Monday, I called Carol and left a message on her phone, asking her to call me.
I flew home to Florida and things got weird. Carol never called, and Susan called a friend of mine, Cathy, and asked her what my problem was. Susan said that people outing Nevada thought I was weird. I called Susan, weeks later, because that is how long it took for word of Cathy and Susan’s conversation to reach me. Susan said “the women at the bar thought you were aloof and better than them. They thought you were off the wall”. I was speechless. I could not say a word. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. I am a kind and gentle person. I was devastated by this experience.
Carol is all twisted up in this. She was not at the bar. Martha was. Cathy thinks I should call Carol. I can’t. I’m afraid of what was said. We are no teenagers, we are all over 40, so this stuff comes as a surprise. Carol is a sophisticated woman, as am I.
What should I do? It has been 3 months since I met her, and I can’t get her out of my mind. I was in Nevada over the holidays, and I hoped I’d run into her. I did not. My next chance may be Palm Springs, at the Dinah Shore. I’ve thought about writing her, but, I don’t know what to say. Susan will not call me back and elaborate on what happened at the bar. Cathy, who is my best friend was close to Susan prior to this incident. Susan won’t explain to her either. Their friendship is pretty much over because of this. Cathy loves me dearly, as I do her. I do not know what, if any of this, Carol knows about.
This is why I’m not much into the Lesbo Scene. Please give me some objective help, and advise.
Diva Says: Well, for such a complicated and involved question.. I have a fairly simple answer. In all that you wrote, the one thing that was missing was any mention of contact with Carol herself after that first night.
I realize that infatuation is a STRONG emotion, and it can feel like the entire world will crash down on top of you if you never hear from the one you’re in lust with again.. but it IS just that.. lust. You really didn’t get a chance to get to know each other, and she never did call you back.
Perhaps what happened at the bar DID come into play in the fact that she did not call you.. perhaps it didn’t. But that is something you will never find out unless you call her yourself and ask. But I warn you, she is involved in a relationship, or was when last you knew. Do you really want to deal with a 3 way relationship? I’m not suggesting you date both of them, however.. there is a third party involved, and it could be complicated if something should happen between the two of you.
I’d think hard about going any further with this “Quest for Carol” until you have your life in order in Nevada and are settled and happy in your new life. And what happened at the bar is all a matter of mis communication. Simply talk to them again when you return to Nevada and explain that since you really did not know all of them, and since they were already well on their way to a group blackout, you were simply doing the best you could with your circumstances. Ask them not to judge you and just try again.
Whether or not you try to contact Carol is your call. I suggest that if you cannot get her out of your mind, that you do call her and find out where her head is in this. But like I said.. for whatever reason, she didn’t call you.. and if she simply wasn’t interested, maybe that’s something you need to know to get some closure. And if she was interested, but was shallow enough to let others opinions of you hinder her in forming a relationship with you, I don’t imagine she’s worth the chase anyway.
I wish you well in your move! And I hope that this entire situation works out in the most positive ways. You seem kind and friendly, I don’t imagine you’ll have any trouble making and keeping new friends. Take care!