Loveless Marriage

Q: I have a major dilemma on my hands, and am not sure what to do about it.
I am currently married, but am a lesbian. It’s not something I’ve thought about for a long time, but I have always known that I am attracted to womyn.
The problem is that while my husband is wonderful, I yearn for the love and companionship of a woman. He thinks I can have both, but I don’t think that would be possible, or fair.
Some have said to stick it out, but I don’t even enjoy sex with him and it doesn’t seem fair to deny him, but at the same time, he is a wonderful guy. This is a big deal, so I’m not to sure if you could even help me, but I don’t know where else to turn.

Diva Says: Hmm…Now this is a tough question, and one that a lot of so-called “late bloomers” are dealing with. The generation gap is amazing between lesbians in their teens and twenties and lesbians in their 30’s and 40’s. These days being gay is “chic”… with Ellen, kd lang and Melissa paving the way for us to come out in a positive light.. the entire process of coming to terms with your individual sexuality doesn’t have as extreme adverse repercussions as it once did.
Twenty years ago, if you came out you were exiled, turned away from your families and friends and life simply seemed unbearable. That’s why so many women stifled their emotions and simply married to escape the difficulties they would face in disappointing their friends and family. I sympathize deeply with those of you trapped in loveless marriages, longing for the passion you know is possible, but seeming unreachable.
To this I say.. LIFE IS SHORT! Depending on your beliefs.. you only live once, baby… COME OUT! It’ll be hard, and it won’t be fun at the beginning.. but DO it. You will never know who you are, or reach your full potential as a human being until you accept that part of you that you are ashamed of and love it for simply being who you are. I spent the first 15 years that I realized I was gay praying every night that I would wake up straight… it was hell, and I hated myself. When I came out, I bloomed, I blossomed and I became who I am now.. a vibrant, happy and loving woman who just HAPPENS to love other women.
Sweetie, your life isn’t what it could be.. and it isn’t what you want.. this much is clear from even the few words you sent to me. Tell your husband that you love him, and you always will.. but you are not happy and your life isn’t even begun yet… If he respects you and loves you, he will let you go.
If you are still unsure of your future.. simply consider this. For the rest of your life, you will wake up every morning and turn over to face this man that you have settled for, and you will wonder where the love of your life is waking up, and who she may be looking at.. wishing it was you… can you deal with that?
And doesn’t your husband deserve to wake up to someone who is happy it’s his face they see?
Good luck, sweetie..

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One Response to Loveless Marriage

  1. If I could add something to this post…I totally understand how you feel being in the position of being married but have absolutely no feelings for a man. I am actually dating a married woman who got married for all the wrong reasons. She and her husband have been together for nearly three years and he doesn’t have any interest in her sexually. I mean, the guy cares about her and probably still loves her but she definitely doesn’t feel the same way. Its really tough, especially when you’re not out but my best advice in this situation would to be truthful to yourself and your “husband.” Let him know that he deserves better even though you can’t give that to him and let him know that you deserve better too. If it is a loveless marriage, why subject yourselves to such situations when a divorce could avoid any misunderstandings? Thanks for hearing me out and good luck.