Yer’ Cheatin’ Haaart

Q: I had been in & out of lesbian relationships since i was 16yrs old. I had a baby, and with the pressures of the family, i decided that the best thing for my son was to raise him in the so called normal lifestyles. (i had already had the taste of 4 relationships) I went straight, had another baby, was not happy at all and went back to the lesbian life, which made me happy.
Still, with the pressures from the family, i ended up married, put my past behind me and 14yrs into the marriage things with me werent working out. I knew i was missing something, got myself involved with co-workers (females) i loved it. This is what i was missing!
i got myself involved with this one co-worker who was married, in all the years with the past females i never knew what love was until i actually got to know her (co-worker). i fell in love with her, gave her my heart to the fullest, didnt care what i had at home, or what i could mess up, being involved with this person. After a few months – she claimed she too loved me, i left my husband aft 18yrs of marriage, she too left behind a husband.
i trusted her with my life. no matter how things bothered her i told her the truth all the time, always told her that i needed to know that i could trust her. going into a year, she had lied, kept things from me, but still we moved in together. 2 months living with her, i found a card from her ex-husband, dated 1 week before we actually moved in together. because of this i can not trust her anymore. the jealousy had subsided alittle, its her word i’m not able to trust. i have sheltered my heart from her, i love her, but i’m afraid to give her my heart all over again.
things are falling apart, its going on 2 1/2 yrs being together. i just cant get over it. she cries all the time for my forgiveness, at times i forgot and things seems to be like they once were, then i remember, and my heart hardens again. i dont know what to do. i was taught at a young age not to show crying emotions, or beg for someone to stay. you know not allowed to be weak. she has mentioned leaving, and i would just let her walk away and deal with the loss by myself, but before this happens. i need an outsider to give me advise. sorry this is a long drag out letter, i thought you needed alittle input. p.s i’m 40 and she’s 30, signed, going crazy

Diva Says: Oy vey… This is like one of those story problems with way too much information. If a blue train leaves the yellow station going approximately 30mph while the conductor chews on the inside of his cheek with velocity equal to 2lbs of pressure… where do babies come from?
Simplify, Darling. What you have, regardless of whom left whom to be with whom, is a trust issue. Now, I don’t know what that card said or what it implied. I do know that she moved in with you anyway. But I also know that sometimes, that doesn’t mean much of anything. Now, I understand that, if she kept something from you in the beginning of the relationship, that can set up a foundation of mistrust. And any relationship built on that foundation struggles, though not always in vain. It doesn’t help that you two started out in a relationship together by cheating on your respective spouses. That does have a detrimental affect on new relationships. (i.e. – if you cheated on that person to be with me, what makes you think that I should trust you not to cheat on me, too?)
You have a decision to make. To trust, or not to trust. Recognize that trust is as much a choice as it is some magical, mystical force that creates itself from time and experience. Now, I may not be the best diva to dispense advice on this subject. I have trust issues of my own. But I know the difference between where trust is broken because of my hang-ups, and where trust is broken through the actions of my partner. You need to step away from the situation and look at it objectively.
If there is a consistent pattern of deceit and half-truths, you have a problem. However, if there were mistakes made and if those mistakes have not been repeated… it’s up to you to decide if the learning curve of the relationship was too detrimental to your shaky foundation of trust to continue.
Ask yourself a question when you start to get that butterfly feeling of fear in your stomach. “Am I being rational or emotional?” Try logic. Try stepping away and remaining objective. If you do this, and your logic tells you that you just can’t trust her… well… that’s your answer. If it tells you otherwise, it’ll take time and effort to shake that nasty voice of doom in the back of your head, but it’ll be worth it.
Good luck, dear.

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