Q: Basically, I came out last semester, met this girl (she’s bi), finally got the courage to ask her out, fell for her, and we fooled around. I’m still in love with her, and we were friends with benefits for a bit before the xmas break. Now, tho, she’s decided that she can’t be with me because she thinks she kind of wants a guy right now, and that if she’s with me, she’s going to fall for me, become attached, and then I’m going to graduate in the spring and leave (and in august I’m leaving the country for a bit). I’m still head over heels for the girl, can’t get her out of my mind (we’re still friends, and I see her a lot. Makes it hard). I don’t know what to do about it. I want to just wait a month and approach her again. My guy friends say I should cut my losses and run, and my girl friends say I should hang in there, since the semester just started. I do love her a lot, though, and just want to see her happy, but I’d hate to see her happiness come at the cost of my own. I believe you should live everyday to it’s fullest, and worry about the future only when it gets there, because otherwise you’ll just be too scared of being hurt all of the time. Thanks for your time.
Diva Says: Sounds like there are a couple of different issues at play here:
1) You said: “Now, tho, she’s decided that she can’t be with me because she thinks she kind of wants a guy right now” — No arguing with that! If she’s more interested in dating men right now, that’s simply her preference and she’s entitled to it. It sucks and it’s hard to hear, but it’s not personal. That’s where her head, heart and libido are pointing and it’s better she’s honest with you than leading you on.
2) You said: “and that if she’s with me, she’s going to fall for me, become attached, and then I’m going to graduate in the spring and leave (and in august I’m leaving the country for a bit)” — That’s a little more complicated. This shows a deeper emotional connection, and perhaps her avoidance of getting more involved with you and sticking to guys instead shows that her emotional connection with women (you specifically) is stronger than what she’s prepared to deal with at the moment. Fear of being too attached and then being abandoned is a pretty rational fear, and her decision to break things off with you might simply be based in self-protection, which is valid, although hard to accept.
All you can do, in either case, is to present your case honestly, with compassion and without pressure and let her know that she’s still very much in your heart and on your mind and that the door is open should she choose to take a riskier route (providing #2 is the major factor…)
And then, my dear, the hard part comes in walking away and making YOURSELF happy. You’re young. You’re in college with tons of libidinous ladies. Try to pull back and find some objectivity. Have some fun! Play the field. Date. That’s what this time in your life is for — to find out who you are, what you like, what you want your future to look like. If it’s not her, then it’s someone else, and how much fun can you have finding her?
Be joyful. Love and romance are supposed to be a good thing.