Love & Math

Q: ok, been seeing my g/f for 6months now. Long distance relationship. Before me she was seeing a guy but broke up with him at christmas to be with me. She spent New Year with me out here but the day she went back, she slept with him. After that she moved out of his place and he eventually moved. Now she says she still loves him, loves both of us in fact and that she saw him a few times before he left but they never did anything. She said she told me as it had been really getting to her and she wants us to be together but shes scared he will come back and she wont know what to do. She still talks to him on IM and they talk on the phone occasionally. I don’t know what to do, i want to be with her but don’t want to feel second best.

Diva Says: I think you answered your own question with that last line, sweets. Second best. That feeling should never have a permanent place in a healthy relationship. Granted, some long-term relationships reprioritize and rebalance from time to time. There are shifts in scale — sometimes a project at work, sometimes a new hobby — but they even out and rebalance if both partners recognize the problem and work to resolve it. However, if only 6 months into a relationship, you’ve never experienced anything but Second Best, there is an obvious problem that needs to be addressed.
Let’s look at the facts.
1) The day after you both had spent significant time together, she went home and slept with her ex.
2) She didn’t tell you immediately – kept secrets (those are called lies, darling).
3) She admits to still loving him, admits to still seeing him, admits to daily communication with him, admits that she doesn’t know what will happen if he comes back.
So let’s add them up — 1 = sex 2 = lies 3 = romantic hangups on ex AND, equally importantly, an inability to commit. 1 + 2 + 3 = DISASTER, darling — sheer emotional torture, carrot-on-a-string romance, backseat loving (and not the kind that leaves vinyl burns on your ass cheeks) and a good, solid way to tell yourself that you don’t deserve the kind of love and attention that you seek. I say – get out while the getting’s good. If she was certain of her place with you, she’d be in it — no questions asked.
Good luck

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