Q: Girlfriend of eight years cut me off sexually. she says she has no desire. Doc says she’s ok physically. Love her but love sex. What to do?
Gads. No desire, eh? Well, there are a number of reasons that the libido might dry up. Some are physical, some are mental. Apparently all of her plumbing is in order since you mentioned a trip to the doctor, but I would also suggest going to a naturopath. Sometimes they are more willing to focus on hormones, energy and emotional responses and aren’t so clinical about the “diagnosis.”
Since I can’t know from your very short question exactly what it is that’s wrong, I’ll give you a few questions to ask yourself about your relationship and perhaps from there you can begin to find a way to resolve this.
How is your communication with your partner? Are you two intimate in other ways? Do you talk, laugh, tease one another? Do you share common interests, go out and do fun/exciting things together?
How is your self-esteem? Are you feeling attractive? Do you feel like it’s possible that your partner could be attracted to you? (sometimes if we don’t feel like it’s possible for someone to be attracted to us, we put off a vibe that’s rather asexual, which can seem unwelcoming of sexual advances, whether or not, in actuality, the other person *does* find you attractive.)
How is her self-esteem? Is she feeling attractive? Does she know she’s attractive to you? Are you telling each other often that you love one another or find one another beautiful? Sometimes a sincere compliment can go a long way towards breaking the ice.
Have either of you tried counselling? Sometimes there are deep-rooted issues that can manifest themselves in a stunted libido. Sometimes intimacy, especially the physical kind, can be traumatic for an individual who has had to deal with any of a number of forms of abuse. These issues don’t always arise at the beginning of your adult sexual life. They can hide behind any number of things and manifest themselves at a time when you’re feeling more ready to deal with them. A bit of therapy (individual, or couples) could possibly bring some of those issues to the surface to be dealt with.
How is your friendship with your partner? Are things TOO friendly? (cuddle, but no romance… sweet, but no spark… love, but not IN love…) Sometimes relationships can simply — dwindle. Has that happened to the two of you?
Are things not friendly ENOUGH? Are you two living more like roommates than lovers? Do you have hobbies and/or interests that are so different that you practically live separate lives? Are there stresses at work that keep you so occupied that you don’t connect with one another when you get home? Keeping the friendship alive in your relationship is vital to the sexual relationship, but keeping the spark of romance in your friendship is vital as well. Always make time for each other, and always make time for romance.
If, after answering all of these questions, you don’t see that there’s anywhere you can make progress — perhaps it is time for you to truly evaluate your priorities. Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, and giving that up to stay with someone is a big sacrifice. Your partner needs to try to meet you halfway on this. You can’t be expected to be cut off without putting up a fair fight to save it. I’d say she has to be willing to pull her half of the weight to resolve this or you do have a problem. If she doesn’t think that she can, or if she doesn’t want to, you’ll have to decide which is more important — the relationship you have with her, or the relationship you don’t. It’s not an easy choice… but you do have options.