Q: My girlfriend is extremely physical. That is how she shows her love for me. I do not want to be physical all of the time. I have talked to her about it, and I say no when things start. How do I handle everything? I love her more than anything, but this is bothering me.
Diva Says: So, I see two problems here.
1) Your girlfriend has a higher sex drive than you do.
2) Judging from this quote: “That is how she shows her love for me.” — I’m gathering that she isn’t much on emotional intimacy and relies heavily on humping to get the point across?
The first problem generally solves itself given enough time, enough communication, and enough compromise. You need to talk with each other, find out what her idea of the ideal sexual relationship is, and what yours is, and work towards meeting in the middle. If there are things she can do that would help you feel more stimulated, let her know. Are you more turned on when you’ve spent a few hours talking and cuddling, or do you like to be the aggressor, but don’t have the chance because she’s always on the prowl? Tell her the things that turn you on and you may be pleasantly surprised. However, if after all of that, it turns out that she just needs to simmer down a bit in her pursuit of you, buy her a gift certificate to Babeland.Com, a subscription to On Our Backs and make sure she knows that your not being up for it as often as she is is not a personal rejection, but that you don’t need as much physical stimulation as she does and that, occassionally, you need to stop for water.
The second problem seems like the most pressing one to me, believe it or not. The way you phrased it shows me that you’re dissatisfied with her lack of ability to express her love for you in ways that don’t involve lube and grunting. The sex problem can be worked out easily enough, but the communication problem is a larger one.
Differing styles of communication are HUGE reasons why relationships don’t work out, and if you want to make this relationship last, you might need to really settle in and nip this in the bud. Talk to her. Tell her that you don’t feel like you can be close to her without being physical with her — that you can’t achieve the intimacy you desire with the lights on. Tell her that you want to be her friend just as much as you want to be her lover, and that you want her to want the same from you.
It may freak her out a bit… after all, if I have the right vibe from this, emotional intimacy is a huge deal for her and not easily attainable. Your directness and honesty may spook her…but it may be exactly what you BOTH need to resolve this issue. It won’t be easy, and you both will have to compromise — you may have to learn that a squeeze on the thigh means the same as a carefully worded note, and she may have to learn that sometimes your thigh hurts and you really need the note, but neither one of you will get past the root of this problem until you dig down to it.