Q: im a confused teenage girl..im 17 and ive been with 1 female partner…after i felt ashamed and she wanted to still be with me but i didnt feel like being with her. i have sexual feelings for females but this expierience made me wonder if i really want to be with girls. whats wrong with me?
Diva Says: Hmm… without knowing more details on your situation it’s a little hard to guess, but I’ll take a whack at it. The way I see it there are three possibilities as to why you may have felt ashamed.
The first, and – in my opinion – the most likely reason is an ethical, moral or religious conviction buried (or rather, ingrained) into your psyche by having grown up around society in general’s negative opinion of the queer community. Sexual acts between same sex partners and the people who commit them have been called every foul name in the book for as long as you’ve been alive and longer…much longer. It’s not easy to look past that sort of malignment, even if you, somewhere in that confused little heart of yours, believe that what you feel is completely natural and good. We grow up hearing and accepting that certain things are good and certain things are evil, and it takes a strong mind and a strong will to question those beliefs. You may simply have some thinking to do on the subject before you dive (pardon the pun) head first into your sexual exploits. Dig up those convictions, turn them over and over in your palm and find out where they come from and see if you can’t talk yourself out of the guilt that our confused mainstream society has given you.
The second reason may be that you weren’t with someone you cared about, or that you felt pressured or rushed into the sexual experience. Was your partner your age or older? Was she someone you cared for on a deep level or just someone you thought you’d “try it out” with? Aside from convictions about sexuality as a whole, you may simply have been disappointed that your experience wasn’t as loving or emotionally involved as you’d hoped your first time with a woman would be. You could have felt used, like your partner wanted you for your body rather than you as a whole. That could easily lead to feelings of disappointment, and potentially even shame for giving in to your libido without consulting your heart. If that’s the case, just take things more slowly from now on and make sure both your heart *and* your groin are involved.
Lastly, and least likely, you simply may not be queer. We all question our sexuality — whether we admit it or not. The staunchest dyke and the straightest femme will always at least wonder in passing what it’s like on the other side of the mattress. Maybe you gave it a go and found it wasn’t for you. There could be some shame there, also rooted in a conflict of heart and libido — it’s never easy having a sexual situation that you regret. Trust me, I know.
But before you go rushing into deciding what label to give yourself, take a good hard look at why you felt the way you did after — examine the details of the situation as well as the situation as a whole; what events lead you to that time and place, who the person is that you slept with and what you like or don’t like about them, the experience itself — did you feel used or did you feel loved? Ask yourself questions, and the answers you get back that you don’t like — don’t repeat them the next time. Sex should be fun, fantastic and hopefully, more often than not, heartfelt. Make it nice for yourself by choosing the right time, the right place and most importantly – the right partner.
And remember – always practice safer sex.